conversation with a ten-digit number

I want to know who this is and I think I do but if I am correct it is no one I was ever friends with or (if I am honest) even liked and purely out of my own disappointments and dissatisfactions I do not like it when people I was never friends with and honestly never liked text me since those seem to me to be the only people who do text me all randomly while the people I was or am friends with or did or do like don’t bother and I’m all eclipse triggered to begin with and therefore as a baseline underappreciated and misunderstood and rambling and I woke up startled to start this day and week by Walter scratching plastic boxes that contain multiple shifts in thought. I shift my thoughts.

The number tells me I should study cryptocurrencies the number tells me it used to be just like me the number assumes it knows me the number tells me in response that it also hopes I never change. But its words its next words are still suggesting taking an interest in interests I do not and do not want to have regardless of their potential.  I have interests: they consume me. I have beliefs: I hold them dearly. I have the idealistic thought of a world where individuals value the exchange of ideas, as one would a currency. I am idealistic. I believe in the importance of the cultivation of a cohesive point of view before advocating for opinions. I am trying. I am against technological advancement for the sake of providing too many unimportant choices. I say this. I am against mindless consumerism for the sake of today’s entertainment. I am repeating still unaware of who, if anyone, is listening on the other side.

The number tells me there is good and bad and in response that those are not purely human constructs. But look at everything else We have constructed and don’t stop there but look at all We have destroyed. I have the feeling this stops at the agreement to disagree I have the feeling this stops with me not answering I have the feeling of being just like this number but before it decided to gave up and move on and learn about the future as it is already written and as it will take over if there is no one holding onto the past. And I do hope that I never become like this ten-digit number if to become like that number means to make suggestions to someone who is trying to hold onto all that is being let go of in the present for the future’s presumed sake. I hold onto the past.


I raise my hand.
I have something to say.
I open my mouth to speak.
Attendance is low.
A shout goes unheard.
The rest are half asleep.
It is criminally crazy.
It borders self-defeat.
It enterains our non-misgivings.
To share in the leftovers.
And claim you’ve naught to eat.
But I’ve been there and done that too.
Confusing cares and growing pains.
Eyes, face, spirit: Bathed in blue.
My own self sought a selflessness.
And found a selfish crying shame.
But who is to blame? Who is to blame!
We each have ten fingers to point.
The I, the You, or the Other Many or
The We lost to Individuality.

balancing act

Good news is no news at all: it’s quite a tragedy. Happiness is thought a right deserved, not something free to pursue, and not something that exists independently of other people’s points of view. If you polled a billion people, in aggregate: a stable state. But individual’s individualism fills headspace with malformed omnipresent mass-deafening complaint. 

Happiness is an ideal told to children, and it is nothing to hold onto, but rather something to personally strive for when circumstance permits. Happiness is with counterbalance, save for in poorly-written stories of some individual’s utopic twist. The stability found in nature is a fundamental balance of positive and negative; it is light and dark, and it is black and white, but it is not cut and dry: we have too many equations and not enough constants for one solution alone to, in and of itself, satisfy.  

The stability found in nature is a lesson in taking the good with the bad as they exist because they both exist, simultaneously. It is a lesson in why it is the ground on which we all stand. It is fundamental. But it could also be a lesson in division and in how to stand divided and in how to pick a side and to put yourself on one too. Remember how leverage works before standing too close to an edge. Remember that fractions are parts of one whole. Remember, always remember, what it is you know. 

Think about the counter-intuition of existing on opposing sides of the same perceived problems. Think about being given different directions on how to satisfy your same drives. Think about the guidelines: pursue happiness although it is not explicitly given, raise your hand when you need to speak, and inhale when you require oxygen to continue to breathe. Think about having individual instructions for an assignment and being graded, alongside others with the similarly individual instructions, according to the same rubric.

We know everything. We have all of the information. We have forgotten. We have different instructions for the same assignment, which is to live just one life and to pursue the minimization of its frustrations. The unintended interpretation: to judge others as you, yourself, would not want to be judged. Knee-jerk reactions, in their numbing half-aggregate, are waiting for the opposition to be forced to budge.

We are not going anywhere. There are no sides, just balance. We are not going anywhere: we are waiting. Waiting for a shift in abstract tectonic plates to push and to shove and to force a newer brighter shinier steady-state. But newer isn’t always better. Recenter your gaze: focus, and remember, always remember, what it is you know.  

The sky above is blue beyond the fog, and the grass is always green, at least from where I am still standing: on the ground.

interpreted definitions

‘Pride’ is (at simultaneous, but different times) the smile in the corner of an eye when appreciation is heard by well-meaning ears, and the refusal to compromise on a decision already past-decided as infallible fact. ‘Fate’ is an understanding of cause and effect. ‘Right’ is the opposite of ‘wrong’ and ‘left;’ ‘left’ is the opposite of ‘right’ and ‘stayed.’ ‘Poetry’ is a lesson gift-wrapped in metaphor. A ‘riddle’ is an inefficient question. ‘Parenting’ is the sadness one feels while watching her kittens choose to play with trash when they have real toys. ‘Nihilism’ is a circle that exists in no directions. ‘Loneliness’ is trying to be bearable enough to get grandfathered into people’s lives and not succeeding in over seven billion failures of various size and importance. ‘Equality’ is a theoretical goal; ‘equal opportunity’ is a practical goal. ‘Somethink’ is a briefly entertained thought. ‘But you have everything’ are words that should never found between quotation marks. ‘Interpreting’ is self-assured way of saying ‘misunderstanding.’  


an attempt to be in a moment in a moment that is passing at present in the present in an instant not wasting time not wasting now. an attempt to be in a moment in a moment becoming past remaining concentrating on present actions present rest. at attempt to be in a moment but thought fluttering to the future to later just some hours just some point later today. an attempt to be in a moment but i am waiting to answer a text i am waiting to have a meeting i am waiting to get more work i am waiting to have something to do in the present other than write about an attempt to be in a moment because in this moment i am not focused on anything other than my attempt at being in this moment and in a way that is being in a metamoment which is kind of sort of maybe worse than not being active in a moment because it is actively talking about trying to be active in a moment without actually being in that moment or doing the things i should be doing at this present point in time. the present is the only time that exists outside of memory and assumption yet past and future are more often discussed. to talk about the present is to talk about current actions which is not done not really which is kind of strange yet makes perfect sense if present time is only truly present when shrunk down to infinitesimal beats approaching nothings.

the growing need for an expansive vocabulary – part III

The feeling of wanting to have so much to say but not being able to think of anything due to already having said so much during an overextended period of time which causes new words get caught on finger tips and on the tips of tongues out of fatigue and the unwillingness to repeat repeat repeat forcing the mind go blank with emotionblock in the absence of being able to turn old emotions still felt strongly but now of inappropriate intensity into some new hypertwisted words and overminced phrases. There should be a word for that feeling.

don’t try

the black and white of subtleties

red lines removing hopes and dreams

misunderstood simplicities of

misrepresented symbolism

i try i try to enunciate

by typing typing punctuating

the message missing hesitating

overlooked by those who read

i try still try to say some things

the things that i am wont to say

but they’re so small

they’re nothing deep

i write them while

i’m wide awake

i try to make some sense

but sense is lost in my unrest

dig deeper now and deeper still

the treasure lies so far uphill

where i left it yours to find

a bit’s required: mine mine mine

but i believe it’s certain clearly

something held to me so dearly

belief in language deeper meaning

although today it seems unfeeling

but i’ll keep reaching reaching trying

begging for more

my fists are pounding

at unlocked doors