Blame the Eclipse

Some animals may display nighttime behaviors, so tuck your cats in bed. Sunrise and sunset sit side by side blinding, avoid a direct gaze, but keep an unturned head. The market for special sunglasses is a spike before a crash. Take out your phone, and document in 0s and 1s, if you want your fond memories to last.

I sit in work, and I think of where else I could be: I think where you are. I sit in work, I think I missed my chance to watch something akin to planets actually aligning by your side. I think something akin to planets aligning must have happened to have had you by my side. I wish I had more photographs to help those memories last.

I think about harnessing the power of the eclipse to get back to where I want to be. I think about symbolism and a cosmic shift. I think about nonsense like the future of the past, and how rare and transient it is for paths to cross and for lives to align.

Today, I am here at work and the sun will be blocked out. Today, you are elsewhere and the sun is always blocked out.

extrapolated from

Twisted turned fallen
to a single side
Complications
clearing cluttered air
to be apparent
in n weeks’ time

we run around in circles
run through scattered thoughts in heads
we run around in circles
always ending in your bed

where it’s pieced together
on your floor
where we’re pieced together too
side by side
on single sides
the concentric shapes

of bodies entwined

signed in stone

I am fluid
Existing pressed against boundaries
I am eclipsing
Blotting out your successes and defeats
I am too aware
Frustrating to watch, to hold on to
I am human
Living with the mistakes I choose to make

You can’t understand what you understand too well; you can’t understand what I’ve told you. Rhyming couplets: chosen sounds in pairwise lines (but they also contain some meaning). I mean it. I always mean what it sounds like. I always tell you what I say. Play confused, I cause confusion. With seconds ticking: don’t delay. I wrote myself a letter and I signed it with the date. I changed the cadence or the rhyme scheme to fix a faltered note off key. I changed some words making some plans, but it’s all the same to me. Left foot taking steps in one direction; right foot holding ground: a rooted tree.

I am waiting for a wall to be built, so I can push it to its limits. So I can find a weak point or a crack and break it down with one tiny devastation.

end/beginning

Shrug and let the weighted world
slip slant fall off of shoulders
Sit there holding out for daydreams
while you’re counting leaves on clovers
Loves me, loves me, loves me not
End based on where it begins
Fated figments fabrication
Melting plastic burns the skin
I reached out to touch you
but eyes wide open you’re not there
Faking fantasies for boredom’s sake
to confuse indifference with a care
I’d be fine just sitting here
but act like I too want more
than to watch words form on your lips
feet pressed firmly to the floor

before/after

distance growing
borders blurring
just crumpled up
broke promises

words dissolving
melt to nothings
on beaten broken
bitten tongues

binding comments
form cement
and the effects
were not yet studied

counted causes
seem worthwhile
but wasted gains
seem more important

the decisions made
in present sense
speak volumes to
naive hindsight’s ignorance

it was not as simple as love

it was not as simple as love
it was overcomplicated. it was not as simple as love.
it was a hand-printed memory on a foggy pane of glass
just above the reach of my own blurry reflection. it was not as simple as love
it was overcompensated. it was a kiss on an eyelid pulchritudinously pallid;
it was a silent song sung as a goodnight sweet dream ballad
but it was not as simple as love. it was within limits raised
when thoughts of eternities, both large and small
were candidly entertained. eternity is
infinity’s counterpart in time. eternity is
infinity with a simple base unit conversion;
it was not as simple as love it was
a question-loaded gun that
– did you hear? –
remained unshot in a forest filled
with an infinite number of possible
trees. eternity is unfathomable
it wasn’t the unheard answer
to air unmeasurably dense
with unasked questions
much more complicated than
is this love?

finale

small pale hurt little troubled girl trying too hard for her own good putting too much effort into where no appreciation will ever fucking be found. shrunk down quiet. waiting. patient. watching troubles turn the tables watching troubles manifest other places. waiting too long putting off for too long biting my tongue till it’s bit off being discussed in an open dialogue that i was never part of. shrug my shoulders measured sighs using growing pains as your disguise. i guess i was wrong to think i was in a partnership when i was being viewed as an emotionally codependent leech the whole time. codependent. where is the line in a relationship where did you draw it? i was left on my own to guess where i was never in the loop i was just watched to prove a hypothesis. i can’t remember how many times i lent a shoulder on which to cry i can’t remember how many times i tried to console i can’t remember how many times i was there but i was there just to end up being resented for it. i didn’t put off my own wants i had all of my needs they were enough. it was enough for me sorry for not wanting more wanting more aiming for even fucking more?  i had more i had it all. i had food and shelter and love and was working at building a name. i am working on building a name. it will only be mine now though. and now i’ll try harder now i’ll rise up now i’ll resent you for not being there when i succeed in getting the more i was supposed to so desperately rush toward want when i had enough to be content. i’ve had enough. this isn’t me being strong and independent for the first time this is me telling you you were wrong. you were still are so fucking wrong. I’m not changing patterns not growing up but moving on. i raised myself i got this way and i know what i have taught myself so fuck what you have to say. not to me to your mother never to me never discuss with me with me the problems you thought you might have had with me might have had with me now in the future when fucking ever. i fought for my beliefs i put effort into building things it was twisted contorted it was destroyed and abused. once you get a label it’s too late to overcome it. patterns are found fitting when one side prior decides it. let the pseudodoctors open up the dsm-v i’m sure i’ve misbehaved i’m sure i committed some horrible unintentional crime. put in a box put me in a fucking box watch me break out of this fucking box i’m so much bigger than this box i’m over it. i’ve always been bigger than what i was given and i’ve always gotten more. i didn’t want to prove you wrong though why did you have to be so wrong.