The plan is to live in Chicago, then Denver, then San Francisco, and then Seattle, as a way to be both young professional and nomad through the remainder of my 20s. The plan is to move back to Philadelphia to reduce the stress of starting over in another new city. The plan is to stay at my current job and save as much money as possible so I have the freedom to start over someplace new sometime soon without having to find another job in my current field. The plan is to apply to jobs in my current field to give me a reason to move to a new place. The plan is to decorate my apartment so it feels like a home and not a temporary storage space. The plan is to get a part-time job that pays just enough to cover bills and gives me experiences to write about. The plan is to pay off my student loans as quickly as possible so that I can reasonably be unemployed and focus on writing or photography or starting a business or some other thing I feel too weighed down to take seriously as this point in my life. The plan is to quit drinking because drinking costs too much money and is not entertaining enough. The plan is to stay single and make friends and have fun with those friends. The plan is to go out and meet someone I can eventually marry and do the whole parenthood thing with. The plan is to take life day by day and see which changes come because changes will come, but they will not come all at once. The plan is made up of contradictions. The plan is a source of anxiety. The plan depends on only me.
Bottoming out toppling over adulthood breeds boredom where choices are too many. Inactive and unproductive when left to my own devices. Vices filling gaps left by once-thrived-upon structure. If i don’t have deadlines i stand still if i don’t have deadlines i don’t do if I don’t have deadlines I set no goals. I neither reap nor do I sow. I just come and I go with two punches of one clock. I watch seconds turn to minutes and those minutes add to hours eight times over and I am waiting waiting waiting for something to feel important. I am waiting waiting waiting for some sense of urgency. Open-ended questions require curiosity – but for me (lacking that), they inspire lagging lethargy. I would not fight for freedom, if it was my time to fight – but I might fight for responsibility and a reduction of my rights. I feel plagued by choices in the land of possibility. I feel plagued to find happiness and success monetarily. Maybe I should just give up, go back to college, and get another degree.