a loose end to tie up
another bated breath
a detail to finalize
another bitten tongue
i’ve yet to destroy
a final blow
a planned escape
a loose end tied up
newer fresher air to breathe
a detail finalized
biting apples, baring teeth
A full thought escaped her lips until again she returned to a static like pure silence. It was a blurb. It was one small thought that bubbled over when it became – when it appeared to become – too much to keep contained. It was the unfamiliar furrow of her unmarked brow that struck me as odd before the realization of her words containing meaning. It was this one expression that called my attention back to what was being said. A moment of lucidity, and to think it nearly missed! (I have trained myself to avoid being consumed by too much insignificance). I am remiss to forget specific words and phrases, and to ask would be for clarification on some forgotten fever dream. I am left to use my own twist.
It was something about life…something about life going on without it feeling much like living. It seems she stopped feeling like she was living her own life. Instead, it felt like a series of passive actions starting from the point of settling into this place…starting from the point of getting comfortable in just one point of life. It stopped feeling like living a life and turned into something distinct and different. The motions became the same to the point of blurring, and the days were only known because they continued to be named. The feeling was consistent. It was something to be counted on. It didn’t feel much like living.
Her voice changed cadence and what followed reduced what had just passed to a hardly-ever-there. She planned a holiday. She needed an escape from the same old everyday-to-everyday. I supposed, ‘That’ll be good enou-That’ll be good for you.’ A nod in agreement. A strained but well-meant smile in reply.
I suppose that is enough for some, and possibly for the many, the most, and the nearly all as well. A stay at some resort on some beach, by some different-for-you but still all-too-similar waterfront. I suppose this is enough to remain stably contented with immotion.
She needed a vacation from the place to forget about its stasis. She’ll come back with a tan, and it will say to the world (without additional content) that she had had some recent fun. She will have some fun, and she will take some pictures; I will see them on her Instagram, and maybe ‘like’ or even like a few. She will give pause to the feeling that life is not living, and then return to the static of the contentless chatter, recontented, and, in general, of a brighter hue.
My hue skews too dark. This pause seems like a pacified delay after being condemned to crucifixion. This pause feels like what it is: a way to stay in place. I stayed silent (seeing no point in fueling unlit fires). I stayed in place. I watched the personification of excited complacency making shapes with the features of her face, as her brow settled into its relaxed steady-state, and her eyes lit up to tell me more about the plans she couldn’t wait to keep.
commingle seeming self-abuse
pointing back accusing choice
passive witness masochism
watching threads undo
active standby masochist
pounds of feathers pounds of flesh
remembered wrongly wrongs
dismembered body overthrown
it is too loud here; can hardly hear my breathing. start to think of something silent but rapid rewind repeats. the color of claws from holding on; the collection of dirt under fingernails. water vapor forming shapes: allowed to imagine what is not there; water vapor blurring shapes: forced to misconstrue what cannot be seen. asking questions without words the answers are already clear; a circle drawn in ink to encapsulate what was never there. yesterday began with nothing and today there is a little less. happiness in a smile as a response to a laugh; sadness in a smile as a response to what can no longer be responded to. the burden lightens as it hollows hollow thoughts to clear my head; limbs weaken salted swallows swimming further out to sea. a breath held too long turns toxic; a grip held too tight too. a breath held too long as a final hope; a grip held too long too. letting go as a cause for nothing else.
welcome, all are welcomed, here’s to another complication. pull tight the knot to seal a fate hold tight to halt forward momentum where it starts before it starts. a forced setback of too many seconds would reinforce the bind would pull in too close would take too much mind. too much thought would construct would confuse would misconstrue create unwind with its undo. pour two glasses more as fate entwines as fates entwine watch fates entwine. a tangled web we’ve woven a woven web of undesign. to grasp, to tether, a series of complaints. a flicker, a thought, another fond mistake. decidedly made to forget to forget to forget again and again forget again but not quite not technically (not really) redo. take a chance with taken hands taken hands walk two by two to a door zu dir oder zu mir aber what else would two submitting to fallibility do? fumble fall flip onto sides limbs entangle cares tossed aside. a night another night just one more night just for the night learn nil from hindsight grasp not for love grasp not for past-promises watch not as they crumble where they lie. the afterglow the morning glories the forgotten names the lost allegory. the lessons learned the hopes forgotten the lessons left behind. just for the night just for a night just another held-back hope disguised as living life.
i reach i grasp i hold on too. i think i thought i misconstrue. to contain to encapsulate to exist where one was left as one was left. to remember to reminisce still stuck lifetimes in a head. the flicker the fade the force-forgotten memories. the flicker the fade lungs burning as i breathe. to begin where one has ended to begin a second serenade the comparisons are not so sound the comparisons are all the same. moving on or moving onto? i reach i grasp i hold on too. i think i thought i misconstrue. i do all i am wont to do. make new mistakes my local news tell torrid tales sing once-felt blues relive a life lost ignore abuse think flutter thoughts of what once had ruled. i consider i reconsider i exist as i was left. tossing turning overthrowing learning again how to forget.
a door opens, a door closes: leaving no time for escape. recalculation for the morrow but for now, at least, some peace. quiet, stillness, lighted space: a sunbeam warming fur. catnap, daydream, fluid recline: all broken with a buzz.
eyes dart to follow hollow sound: muscles tense in preparation. the line of sight is left unfound, but focus obscures resignation. another buzz, eyes lock on target, as body steadies for a pounce. a jump, a swat, a tiny kill: the thrill of prey for predator.
quiet, stillness, lighted space: a steady state again restored. position resumed on the ground, loose ends tied to maintain order. sunbeam shifting inch by inch over days and days of boredom. birds chirp in trees, their mocking sounds, one day, they too, will be silenced.
a door opens, a door closes, for a counted on return. an arm reaches down, and face reaches back: more a handshake than a pet. a mutual agreement of casual cohabitants, this so-called domestication. friendship traded for a daily feast of fancy, there are worse ways to be sated.