i am sitting i am
still i am
waiting for some other
nothing to distract
but nothing will never
the failures in my present i
as they pass
thorns in sides
teach the youth
upon success throw them
food for wolves
so uselessly conditioned
tear their soft flesh
leave remains to harden
with soft skill decay
The albatross picks plastic pellets to try to feed its young. Smoke cigarettes blow cocaine rust with youth intact die unabused. His time was over before it began and mine just hasn’t happened yet it hasn’t come it couldn’t happen here at all. Remember when we laughed we sung that song the one where the world was ending remember when the world ended while we wasted away hands tied to desks? This is my unrest just my unrest just my second second failed attempt at what will only ever could only be second best it’s not my best. There are diminishing returns as a good thing becomes too much of one and there is tipping point for which quitting is winning for when it-was-enoughs reach toward the point of superunsaturation but never quite crossing the line forcing hands. To take the accepted risk a loss of everything for one more night just one more flight accept a loss of everything as fair exchange and is this how addiction is to be defined? The counting down to a two-tailed coin flip the holding hopes in hands with loaded dice the always betting on the losing side always hoping for low odds always leaving it up to not a chance always giving into chosens without a fight. Forsaken innocence grasps at what-is-still-to-comes but what is still to come what hasn’t happened yet? Reach for felt-too-surface-level unknows forget to let it seethe. Just remember to breathe only to breathe the most basic needs to reprieve without delay forsake aging wisdom’s pressure points forsake it as hearsay it’s just what they say it’s just what they say. But wait: that city’s skyline is never sweeter than its first appearance rounding final bends on the return trip home. And never more than that. I wouldn’t play the card if I held a full deck. The city skyline stays sweet where it melts away in memories return to tie loose ends. Go back to melt to ends to melt to end to say ‘the end’ this is the end.
They lied; I looked,
I came and saw.
Exhale, a sigh:
No more, no less
will bes, will be
My hair is wet and dripping as I type. I feel where the water is collecting breeze-chilled in the small of my back. The time is half-past bittersweet. The day ends and it begins. I am exhausted, but refreshed, and optimistic for revival. The temperature is a recovery after a defeat. The fog is lifting, and forming shapes overhead. I am wind-battered, but today’s air is crisp, restoring: a call to focus on what is in motion.
Today is a pause in the middle of a chaotic series of actions to be summarized by what comes next; it is a horizontal pause with eyes aligned to eyes far outweighing other aspects of an otherwise disordered day. To listen in on this room would be to hear voices and laughter replaced with silence and afterthoughts replaced by voices and laughter and repeated all again.
In the voices: just some chatter. In the laughter: not a care. In the silence: glances upward, thinking, and a smile for a positive conclusion. In response: an eye squint, questioning, but a smile in agreement.
Life is filled with unfortunate occurrences and futures just barely missed; it is a series of tiny tragedies stacked haphazardly one over the next. When something lines up, when two plans entwine, when your eyes meet mine, we call it fate, possibly out of confusion, but maybe out of much more.
I have wondered if I could point a finger in some blame in some deflection. I reflect. I have felt too out of place too long although it’s all the same. I have always felt out of place. I am bored to the point of self-abuse. I am angry at, not with. I am bored to the point of no longer having an excuse. I blame myself.
The decision to leave was simple; choosing where to go was more difficult. I decided on home and to figure out the rest when certainties began to sort themselves out when my thoughts untwisted when I remembered to remember to remember who I am where I belong what I deserve. I had put it off had tried to sort out nothings had tried to try to try too much too long too prone to forget.
I am sentimental sad I am optimistic for some future.
underwhelming overwhelmed underwhelming overwhelmed ten by two feet on the ground ten by two hands tapping keys too much nothing to accomplish but no body at the helm to much nothing to accomplish too few problems out of realm.
try to work after work always work except at work do nothing much at all go through motions do enough. job and self intact while the mind is wasted turns to mush. stay in place a willing cog in waves in ways but a broken part in more.
but what’s more? what is more? what? i question. what? i ask. i resent all that i know don’t know i pause to contemplate what futures have been missed. but when to say when when not enough becomes too much. when to say when and what for? what’s more?
i can leave could walk away would fly toward the sun but know how that one ends. i’ve stood here i’ve waited to accomplish nothing never except to be present for pay get paid for appearances convert drives into futures missed stay stagnant safe and sound secure.
today i say ‘when.’
the purity of things not said but felt
the rarity of a shared experience
define yourself using three adjectives
assume a shared emphasis
first second third always and so on
there is more than what is seen
there is only what is shown
knowledge and instinct in parallel
always also disconnected
always all network connected
a common hollow knowledge base
a billion faces with no names
but machines can classify images
using stock photography
identities shrunk to 1s and 0s
means shrink to force the end’s efficiency
and when one breaks, They buy another
the parts costing more than the whole