To be here again in this space this same space that I helped him secure so we could move to our separate apartments so we could both get some space. To be here again in this space this space that I carried furniture into to fill this space that I framed posters to decorate. To be here again in this space with my shoes and my coat on the floor same as before with myself on the floor sitting on the pillows on the floor looking at watching his face. His face. His face is pointed at me and his mouth is moving and I am trying to focus but it is all just a haze. I am trying to focus on his words but it is all just a haze and I have been dizzy for days and it’s all too much right now.
Time is collapsing air is thinning hope remains but I’m just dreaming just sitting here just staring back just trying to listen thoughts fighting back – “I lost you” – I pause at the claim am brought back by this claim back for a minute as I sit there in silence looking startled seen as startled he tries to explain – “…in the conversation. I lost you for a second.” I snap back return to where I am. I start I talk I say keep saying keep looking for some sensible excuse – “I zoned out” – I zoned out I felt weird about it all I had to leave had to leave but did he lose me am I lost? How did we get here does he see me did he see me in the rush?
I’m here right now I am here I am screaming but it’s only in my head and the talking continues just continues all the same just some hip hop talk just some new backwards hat and he pulls it off he always pulls it off. I tell him this I tell him he gets away with it but he always gets away with it he always gets away and it suits him well I let him have it I have to have no choice but to watch his show and tell. I let him go. The new additions the parts I’ve missed what else has happened since I last sat here with him like this on this same floor this very same floor in this very same space that I helped him secure so we both could have some space.