finale

small pale hurt little troubled girl trying too hard for her own good putting too much effort into where no appreciation will ever fucking be found. shrunk down quiet. waiting. patient. watching troubles turn the tables watching troubles manifest other places. waiting too long putting off for too long biting my tongue till it’s bit off being discussed in an open dialogue that i was never part of. shrug my shoulders measured sighs using growing pains as your disguise. i guess i was wrong to think i was in a partnership when i was being viewed as an emotionally codependent leech the whole time. codependent. where is the line in a relationship where did you draw it? i was left on my own to guess where i was never in the loop i was just watched to prove a hypothesis. i can’t remember how many times i lent a shoulder on which to cry i can’t remember how many times i tried to console i can’t remember how many times i was there but i was there just to end up being resented for it. i didn’t put off my own wants i had all of my needs they were enough. it was enough for me sorry for not wanting more wanting more aiming for even fucking more?  i had more i had it all. i had food and shelter and love and was working at building a name. i am working on building a name. it will only be mine now though. and now i’ll try harder now i’ll rise up now i’ll resent you for not being there when i succeed in getting the more i was supposed to so desperately rush toward want when i had enough to be content. i’ve had enough. this isn’t me being strong and independent for the first time this is me telling you you were wrong. you were still are so fucking wrong. I’m not changing patterns not growing up but moving on. i raised myself i got this way and i know what i have taught myself so fuck what you have to say. not to me to your mother never to me never discuss with me with me the problems you thought you might have had with me might have had with me now in the future when fucking ever. i fought for my beliefs i put effort into building things it was twisted contorted it was destroyed and abused. once you get a label it’s too late to overcome it. patterns are found fitting when one side prior decides it. let the pseudodoctors open up the dsm-v i’m sure i’ve misbehaved i’m sure i committed some horrible unintentional crime. put in a box put me in a fucking box watch me break out of this fucking box i’m so much bigger than this box i’m over it. i’ve always been bigger than what i was given and i’ve always gotten more. i didn’t want to prove you wrong though why did you have to be so wrong.

3 thoughts on “finale

  1. I appreciate you. I appreciate the time you take to write these down and post them on here for others to read and understand, for me to read and understand. I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. Don’t underestimate the power you put into words, because it’s fucking beautiful.

    Liked by 1 person

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