the beginning of a day

9:41
i don’t think i have anything left to find here

i think it’s all be found

figured out

i’ve grown all i can in this little place

do i want to let myself expand again? do i want to take it further? i could shrivel i could wither i could grow old and decay i could sit back i could wait i could watch my flesh fade away the constant build up just to recycle just to break down and repeat

the build up for the let down for the breath out for the whole exhale just waiting empty wondering if i even want to take another breath in this one moment

just stop the build up and the let down of something so fundamental

i couldn’t

i couldn’t

i couldn’t

i won’t

i won’t

i won’t

pulse

like a pulse

waking up

never gone

a spark

not even

something that had been dimmed

nothing new
not rekindle

no new ideas

 

9:46

i want more to happen and i look to my phone

i look to my phone as if that is the little box

that is supposed to make it happen

as if my effort

doesn’t have to go into it

to make other things happen

like relationships

emotions

love

looking toward boxes and hoping for a desired response

9:56

it’s just the beginning of the day

a much longer longer day


days turn to years turn to seconds turn to hours turn to instants turn over too quickly to capture them to write

this one will leave

it was barely even a thought

a flutter

in my mind

on my fingertips

further

further


further away
but i am still here shrinking teeny tiny small

a drop of water containing multitudes a drop of water still so small

the bigness of my littleness the words given to me

the cats are living their normal cat lives

and i’ve lived eternities

just today

while i type this

wasted eternities

typing this

water heating

waiting to be boiled


10:08

it took that long to get from then to now

eternities

but nothing

a cat nap

the cats are napping

but i can’t

 

10:13
nothing
a
drop
evaporated
to nothing
even less
than the infinity
it contained


sometimes water just boils as is its wont when the temperature becomes too much and the particles get too excited and isn’t it cute yes isn’t it quaint

in my little tiny girl brain i have at one point learned some science

and isn’t that proper
going to school and gaining an education

infinite possibilities

let’s herd them in one by one

to the same place
melting
rotting
rithing
confused and uncertain but still pining waiting for some guiding light someone with a bit of certainty

10:16
nothing nothing
no one
no me
but i’m here
always here
always here always here

outside again

for the first time in a while




a really long while


with new hot tea

 

i need to go back outside

for the first time
in a long time
with hot tea

tea

is it still hot or did i let it cool off already in my absence at my expense while i watched and while i waited

the fading waves of temperature
love moving drifting floating away but on a solid surface

an infinity in the last few minutes and it’s not important it’s all that’s important it’s important because it’s all that i have it’s all that i have and that’s the problem and the answer and the questions left unasked and we circle and we spiral and it’s all forming some mass

but not really because at the end

you look at it

and it’s nothing

just some scribbles

that made such huge sense

such huge astronomically large sense

but they’re just childish little tiny scribbles mom’s wiping off of walls that were painted white to look so nice

how nicely those walls were painted

and you colored over them a child fever dream thinking you could have something to say over their serene

but it’s nothing it’s so small so insignificant

white wash paint over the colors

with a fresh slate

a clean start

a place on a map

some skin with no scars

where do my stories leave me who am i underneath?

some girl in some apartment in cleveland. some girl with two cats, and some free money and some weed. and some other drugs there are other drugs but it’s mostly (let’s be honest) just weed

which is fine

something to do

not much bigger

than that

 

broken sweethearts that sleep apart

 

there are no words more important right now

i want this to exist bigger

i want this to be bigger

it is bigger

to me

it’s so big to me so important
just scribbles on a wall
dried up markers

meaningless
meaningless

type

type

no paper

no plastic

nothing
it will all float away

2 thoughts on “the beginning of a day

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