a relief washes over me

Tell me that you know it’s over as I sit here listening to an Intro you have told me to listen to because a friend told you it was the best album ever and maybe it is, since I want to respect his opinion, since you respect his opinion, and I am not the most musically inclined, perhaps. I respect your opinion and expect that you only trust in the opinions of those whose opinions deserve to be trusted in, and maybe that shows my trust in you, but maybe it does not at all. I have a pain-filled fascination with what you are doing right now, and I am glad I don’t know although it hurts me not to. I more feel that I should not know and you should be in on a secret of your own choosing and so should I. Because you deserve that and so do I and we deserve each other and I am waiting here because I know that is true. And I am listening to an album you told me to listen to because you enjoy it and a friend told you it is the best album ever recorded. Interlude 1 faded in from Intro and I am not sure if I actually like this although I have listened to it before and I think I enjoy it. I am not sure how strange the things I enjoy are anymore. I think I am getting stranger and I think that is me giving into my twenties.

I think the pairing of Tessellate and Breezeblocks is brilliant, honestly. It is like a classic, kind of gritty, crime-fighting duo. But enough about me. Triangles are also my favorite shape, although it is not because of the three discrete pairs of intersecting lines, it is because it is the only complete shape formed by so few intersecting lines. A circle is a shape made of infinite edges. A triangle is a shape made by as few edges as possible. Triangles are whole in their abstraction. Toe to toe back to back endpoint to endpoint where lines grow long enough to hold meaning and are not blurring into one another in the infinite shrinkage of curvature.

I want to hold you and have you hold me and to not have to talk because we don’t have to talk if we know what we want to say and why can’t we both assume we know what the other would say if the other knew what we were thinking? Why isn’t it enough to assume, why do we have to know? I know you and that is enough and you know me and you know I am here, so why force words into a place where words are not needed? I suppose I needed to come up with more of the right kind of words for you although I swear I tried my best and maybe if you had seen my best in the way I meant it then my best would have been enough, but as it stands my best wasn’t enough and that is just that although I meant for my best to be what you needed and I couldn’t have done more so could you just take my intentions as my actions, please? Please don’t go, please don’t go, I love you so, I love you so.

The song starts like a lullaby and I wish I was back to playing with your hair while you laid on my lap on the couch in the house on McMillan Street. You’ll be back there in a few days, and I won’t be with you, and this makes sense since I wasn’t there with you for most of the time you spent there. So I hope you see what it is you need to see, and I hope you remember the times I remember there, as well as the times I don’t. I know that house is much more to you than it could ever be to me, and even so it meant a lot to me.

I don’t want to forget about you although I think I should pause in my thought for a bit. I think space will be good, but I hope it will not be too good. We were something good. We were more than good and I want to knock on your door right now and I know you will answer and I know we will have a good time because we always have a good time together when we’re not talking about if we are together. And we don’t have to talk about if we are together because right now it would be enough to physically be together, and I know that much is true. But to go to you right now would be to break the unspoken promise that I made to myself and it would break the verbal promise I feel I made to you when I last saw you and before I saw you again. I want to give you a chance to miss me and I hope by giving you that chance you aren’t learning that life is better without me. I know life isn’t better without you although I know life is also good without you. But you are you and you are important to me and I will not forget about you for now.

It is just passed five o’clock and I want to go back to the summer when we sat on the porch under a blanket, both otherwise naked. I want to go back to the fear and the unknowing and I want to see the words we said to each other, more than I want to hear the words you said in response to my words. I want to be on that porch with you and I want to feel like the world is ours although so many people we know are surrounding us from inside their houses. I want to be alone with you and out in the world and not have to say anything because there is nothing much to have to say. I want to start with our blank slate because our blank slate was a perfect starting point. It was a fresh cover of snow on a warm spring day in Georgia, and we sat in the bright light of the moon with no one else present. You will always be my home.

This is for you, this all is for you. This is me trying to move on although I am doing little more than standing still. There are the stories I can write while I wait, and I hope they stray further from you in the future while I wait for you. This is for you, all of these unwise words as I question every non-step I take. This is all for you this is all for you this is selfish and I will make you feel guilty if I show this for you since this is all for you but you are unsure of what you have to offer me since you are not sure if you want to offer me anything since what have I really offered you?

2 thoughts on “a relief washes over me

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